Chaotic kayak cross is the Olympics’ answer to Gladiators with lost teeth are just part of the fun

Splash, bang, wallop! The bangs and wallops are as inevitable as all the splashing in an event where chaos reigns and kayakers are prone to losing a tooth or two.

When the IOC added kayak cross – formerly known as extreme kayaking – to the programme for its Olympic debut, it knew it had a winner on its hands. They race together around the course, not against the stopwatch, as in the traditional slalom sport, but against each other. For the first time, the clock is more forgiving.

Four boats go at it each time and there is nothing resembling a course, just a collection of downstream and upstream gates where they paddle and fight for dominance. From the moment the competitors jump off a ramp, more than five metres above the water, they collide aqua-dodgem style. It doesn’t stop.

From being asked to be Tarzan, diving nose first into the rapids – “from which,” as Edgar Burroughs says in his book, “no man has ever returned” – they must quickly transform into the bravest Inuit, as they go completely underwater and perform a 360-degree Eskimo Roll under a “limbo” bar. Once they come up again, they continue their H20 race, racing toward the first finish line.

Jeopardy is everywhere. While the organizers don’t go all Gladiator and fire cannons at the protagonists, it certainly has that feeling.

The fans, who have filled the horseshoe stands for the first two days of heats and will continue to do so for the finals on Monday, are enjoying it with a bloodlust that doesn’t pretend they’re at the Vaires-sur-Marne Nautical Stadium just for the sheer passion of pure sport. They’re encouraged to scream and shout by pumping music, a live drummer and the obligatory Australian announcer who sounds like he’s going into a frenzy when his eggs are cooked through. Anything goes, mate.

Except that it might come as a surprise to casual observers to discover that there is a rule book with real rules. Yes, they can ram each other – in reality, that’s inevitable on the narrow course – but the boats are standard and the paddles must not have a metal tip. Dangerous contact with another’s head or body that could result in personal injury is not permitted.

If it’s intentional. It’s not only the craziest sight in Paris, but perhaps the craziest, with the kayaks and paddles spinning around and hitting other competitors in the face. “We don’t have big problems, but we sometimes see split cheekbones,” says Titouan Castryck. “And if we hit a competitor’s boat on the head, those are broken teeth.”

Castryck, like the vast majority, wears a bit and the mandatory helmet. “If you get a boat in your mouth, you are a little worried when you take off your bit about what you will find there.”

The 19-year-old Frenchman is one of Joe Clarke’s biggest rivals for gold. The Englishman sometimes chooses to remove his bit, but that’s because his game plan is to not see a man or craft during the minute-long spectacle. “My superpower is to make a good entrance from the slope and then go all out to get myself free over the first bit,” he said.

So far, so good. In his two heats to the quarterfinals, Clarke, the 2016 canoe slalom winner, has enjoyed clear water. But he is well aware of the risks.

Mallory Franklin, his compatriot who also sang a major campaign song, explained how he had suffered a nasty cut earlier in the campaign.

Of course, there’s a chance things could get ugly, though Clarke insists “we have a huge amount of respect for each other because we know each other so well from slalom.” Still, Clarke acknowledges the potential with something serious at stake. “I think someone could get desperate trying to win a medal, but I would never do that,” he said.

“You have to be competitive, but you can’t be too aggressive, because then you make mistakes. And that’s the beauty of cross. You can go from first to fourth in one moment or the other way around.”

It’s similar to speedway in that respect, although the IOC – in its obsession with being with the kids – is yearning for a waterborne equivalent of BMX, skateboarding or snowboardcross. And, whisper it, if heroes and villains are to emerge, it could be all of those things and more.

As exciting as it is to see it with your own eyes, it was made for television, to sit in an armchair and cheer and shudder and pull the pillow over your eyes while you giggle yourself silly.

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