They argued about abortion.
It was on Interstate 74, driving past the endless corn fields of rural Illinois, when Lesley Dzik realized she was raising her voice at her husband, Matt. She stopped and suggested dropping the subject. He agreed and the cab of the pickup fell silent.
“I love you,” they said to each other, and the hands that had been gesturing to express their opposing views collapsed on the center console.
The Dziks have solved problems common to many marriages, from parenting to money.
But politics? That’s complicated.
Lesley, 56, is a Republican. Matt, 68, is a Democrat. She is against abortion. Matt believes women should have a choice. She refused to get vaccinated during the pandemic. He got the shots.
When they started dating, she only had to wonder if their relationship could work when she saw the Democratic signs on the lawn outside his house ahead of the 2020 election.
But they both wanted it to work. Lesley read books by other politically divided couples for inspiration and eventually came across Braver Angels, a nonprofit founded by a therapist after the election of former President Donald Trump in 2016 to help people bridge the political divide. There they found a community that is both red and blue.
“It gave me enough hope,” Lesley said. “I felt safe, I’m not the only one.”
They seem like the ideal couple in so many ways. Matt, who is retired, routinely brings flowers home for her. She helps him with odd jobs he does for people who cannot afford professionals. He takes her to the library of the University of Illinois, where she works. They volunteer together at a local theater so they can see free shows.
Lesley is deeply Christian. Matt, an Army veteran, was raised Catholic but now considers himself more spiritual than religious.
“I’m concerned about Matt because I believe the Bible is the truth, and Matt is doubtful about that,” she said. “I wonder what I’ve gotten myself into.”
But they go to church regularly and when they pray, they hold each other.
Acts of kindness bring them together, whether it’s helping a man who uses a wheelchair to go to church or caring for a nonverbal boy so his single mother can work. But their political differences appear to be worsening ahead of the presidential election.
Sometimes things get so heated that they don’t say anything for days.
On the refrigerator door hangs a suggestion from their therapist who helped them deal with their insecurities. “Can I give you a hug?” it reads. “If not, say, ‘I love you.’ You don’t suck. I’ll be back in ten minutes. ”
During the Braver Angel workshops, they learned some techniques for keeping political conversations civil. Speak to understand, says one rule: don’t speak to win.
Their need for each other is too great to avoid the discomfort of their many disagreements.
“We share the same heart,” Lesley said.
“I love looking into her eyes and seeing her smile,” Matt said. “Why would I want to lose that?
They’ve found things they can agree on, like putting up a flagpole in their front yard and raising the American flag.
“It’s way more inspiring than any yard sign will ever be to me,” she said. “It’s more sustainable.”
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