Winston Churchill had an argument with a woman at a dinner party.
He was a difficult man, with a strong personality and a stubborn willingness to stand by his points. The two went back and forth until she finally said, “If I were your wife, I would poison your coffee.”
Churchill replied, “If I were your husband, I would drink it.”
I never think about those comebacks right now. It wasn’t until my drive home that I realized I could have owned this person. The French have a saying for this: “L’esprit D’escalier” – or stairwell white.
The truth is that I hate arguments and constant conflict. As succinct as Churchill’s response was, it did little to resolve that battle.
Throughout my career and education, I have conducted extensive research into conflict resolution. This skill can help you protect friendships, de-escalate fights, suffer fools, secure raises, and much more. Here’s how.
1. Identify the pain point and logroll it
Conflicts are usually the product of unresolved tensions or competing goals between people.
For example, the most difficult class I took in the University of Florida MBA program was our negotiation class. Every two weeks you had to compete against a different team member in a case study negotiation. In one I played the role of a Canadian zoo and the other person was the Chinese zoo. We made an agreement about how long I could borrow panda cubs for my exhibition (all pandas are owned by the Chinese government).
The outcomes of these negotiations influenced our scores. If you got a bad deal, you can expect the same from your grade. So how do you deal with such a controversial situation? We used a strategy called “logrolling”. This is when you actively identify things the other person wants. Then you do what you can to offer them those things and integrate them into a larger deal.
A simplistic example: if your company is financially strapped and a good employee asks for a raise. You might say, “I can’t give you a raise right now. But I could have you work remotely 3 days a week. Would that help?”
Keep an open mind. Always acknowledge the other person and what he or she is looking for. Try to give them something.
2. Be wary of escalation
I had been dating a woman for a few months. We had an otherwise good and healthy relationship that was loving and sweet. We had a disagreement about something. Then she suddenly exploded and started screaming, shouting at the top of her lungs for five or six sentences in a row.
Before then, she had never raised her voice in the slightest. I was stunned. I didn’t say anything. There are only two healthy ways to handle this situation.
One: you end the discussion. Therapists often say that even responding validates that person’s verbal abuse (yes – yelling is considered verbal abuse – period).
Two: you bypass. According to Wharton organizational psychology professor Adam Grant, you have a discussion about the discussion. If someone is angry and distraught, express calm curiosity about their emotions and why they are screaming.
Staying calm demonstrates your own strength, as well as validating them and showing them that you care about their emotions. They will feel heard. Whatever you do, don’t start yelling back. Nothing good comes out of it. And if the other person cannot calm down, remove yourself from the situation.
3. Embrace questioning, not immersion
There’s nothing better than knowing you have the facts on your side. You have the logic. You understand the standards of human decency.
Take it easy.
If you enter with firearms, the other person will lock up or react. Their insecurities and ego will take over. They may even resent you afterwards. The best debaters usually use a small number of key points. They don’t give nine reasons why the other person is wrong, or slap the opponent in the face – no matter how insufferable or ignorant that person is.
Instead, they ask questions. They know that it is extremely difficult to change someone’s mind. But they also know that asking questions will change the other person’s mind.
They often open by emphasizing the things they both agree on. They compliment their opponent in the first minute. Opening softly during a conflict is disarming. It’s unexpected. It shows that you have a desire for consensus rather than conflict and condescension.
For example, I have been writing on the internet for the past eight years on platforms where any random person can comment. It’s going to be ugly – to say the least. I get free court tickets to every Golden State Keyboard Warriors game.
Despite all the endless name-calling, horrible language, and aggressiveness, I’ve never seen anyone say any version of, “You know what, you’re so right. I’m wrong. We learned a lot today.”
Not once. Solution skills start with kindness, not fire. As HG Wells wrote, “The first man to raise a fist is the man who has run out of ideas.”
4. Mind your confidence and focus on the argument
In court, it appears that witnesses with moderate confidence, rather than high or low confidence, are more credible to juries. It has a direct impact on the pronunciation results And condemnation.
When you have low self-confidence, you seem insecure about yourself and what you say. When you have a lot of self-confidence, you seem overbearing, insecure, or driven by ego (“I have to win!”). It will only worsen the conflict.
Famed scientist Paul Graham has created a useful hierarchy of disagreement, ranking the best and worst strategies for arguments. The lowest are name-calling and insults.
The best strategy is to stick to one strong central point. Don’t repeat it over and over again. Instead, build everything around it. Staying focused is extremely important – special during relationship fights.
One of the most common pieces of advice from marriage counselors is, “Make sure you stick to what you’re arguing about.” Don’t bring out other skeletons and grudges.
“You want to talk about sharing tasks, but you can’t even pay your own bills.”
“And you wonder why I hate your ugly family.”
You’d be shocked to see how many nice, polite people grow devil horns when they fight with their spouses. They turn a simple disagreement into a nuclear holocaust.
By the end of the argument your head is spinning and on fire. You can’t even remember what the original fight was about. Don’t be tempted to worsen a conflict.
5. Know when it’s up to you
There are few people in this world more insufferable than people who don’t apologize.
If you are shouldering a lot of the blame in a conflict, own it up front and offer solutions to prevent it from happening again. Apologizing for something and then repeating the behavior only damages your reputation and dilutes your character.
Also skip edited excuses. Any apology that has the word “but” at the end is not a real apology.
Remember, underneath all of these strategies is a goal: resolving the actual conflict and finding common ground. Don’t let “winning” and other self-centered distractions derail your goal. Friendships, family and colleagues are extremely important to our health, happiness and well-being.
Things to remember
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Show empathy and pay attention.
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Keep the argument focused. Don’t let it spiral.
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Stay calm and confident when you know you’re right, but don’t stray into the land of overconfidence.
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Open up by acknowledging things you agree on. Show a desire for consensus.
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Record your negotiation and think about what you can give them.
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Stick to a few strengths. Don’t overpower them and feel the need to dominate when you have the advantage.
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Take responsibility and apologize if necessary. Then change the behavior.
The big idea is that each of you leave a discussion feeling like you have evolved. Yes, it is difficult to remain calm, kind and understanding in the face of ignorance, stubbornness and aggression. But if you can, you will get much closer to the solution. You’ll walk away feeling proud of your actions, rather than regretting them.
