I always wondered how a woman could pack up and leave her family. I don’t mean permanently. I’m talking even a few days. Why would anyone choose to go on vacation or spend days without those they love most? I couldn’t imagine it.
But then I tried it and changed my mind.
While my husband held the fort at home, I enjoyed a solo train ride to and from New York City, taking a two-day creativity workshop, drinking a little wine, good meals that I didn’t have to cook or clean up, quality time with my aunt , solo walks around the city, and a night in a hotel where I slept in the middle of a queen bed on crisp white sheets.
I also experienced the immense pleasure of sitting alone in a coffee shop with a cappuccino and a tahini scone with chocolate chips, with nowhere to be and no one to care for. Anonymous and undisturbed, I relaxed and allowed myself are.
There is something uniquely refreshing about simply spending time being. Not being a wife, daughter or mother. Not even a friend or colleague. Just a woman without an agenda or to-do list in hand. In existence I found compassion for myself instead of the usual pressure to do more, more, more.
I don’t think you have to be a mother to understand. The time and space to be alone with yourself – without expectations of achievement or progress – is something we all need more of. Yet it is not something our society encourages us to pursue.
When was the last time you had a real break?
The treadmill is always running, even at night when we get out and go to sleep. We always hear it, it calls us to move on and keep going. It reminds us of how many more miles we could cover if we just worked harder.
You may have seen statistics about how many ads we see and hear in a day, or how many times a day we look at our cell phones, ready to respond to the next text, tweet, email, or phone call. If you’re a mom, you may have laughed at funny memes that poke fun at how many times a day someone shouts “mom” and means you.
We may have become so accustomed to this relentless bombardment of our time and senses that we forget how unnatural it is. How it wasn’t always this way.
That it doesn’t always have to be this way.
The antidote is to go out of town alone.
I’m lucky that I have a husband who can watch the kids when I go away. I recognize that not everyone has this. Single parents should ask a friend or family member for help. If someone you love is a single parent, consider offering something so they don’t have to ask for it!
Although the first time was difficult, I have come to realize that both my family and I enjoy going away. Are not selfish thing to do. This has erased the guilt and (most of) the fear of leaving that I once faced.
I’ve discovered that there are five benefits to leaving that you and your family can enjoy.
1) Your family can function without you
Mothers in particular often feel that their children cannot survive without them. Perhaps it is because they are the sole supplier of their nutrition during pregnancy and the first months of breastfeeding. Or maybe it’s just that we don’t want to that they have to do it all without our help and presence. Society tells us that our role is to always be there for them. Or judges us when we are not.
When you leave, both you and your family will see that they can not only survive without you, but thrive. They can have fun. They can figure things out. Someone else finds the ketchup in the refrigerator and makes the ponytails. It’ll be fine. They might even come up with a new hairstyle or notice that they like mustard on their veggie burgers.
It’s easy to see how this gives the children a sense of confidence and satisfaction, but it can also do the same for your partner if they’ve never been in this position before. In our desire to be therewe may have pushed them out of certain things that they can now participate in. This will give you some peace of mind.
If for some reason you can’t make it, you know it will be okay. They must have had some practice.
2) You learn to let go of control
When I got home, I discovered that my husband had not put the kids to bed even though I was supposed to do so on Saturday night. He’s not as into bedtime as I am. So he had done things his way.
By leaving, we can learn to let go. For some of us (like me), this can be difficult. But we can’t be in two places at once. We can’t perform the show at home and on the road at the same time. So we have no choice but to let go.
Things may not go the way you want them to, but they will be fine. And you too.
It turns out that it can feel great when we don’t feel like we’re in charge.
3) You all practice separation
Raising children partly means learning to let them go, a little more each time. The first time you leave them with a sitter. The first day of kindergarten. The first day of primary school (which felt like… eternity). It continues until you send them off to college or out into the world. Then from now on you will have to live without daily personal contact.
I’m not there yet. I don’t feel ready for that at all. But I do believe these little escapes help me prepare.
They also help prepare the children. If we hold their hand until their 18th birthday, how can we expect our children to know what to do when we finally let them go?
Although my husband’s career has led to him leaving us dozens of times, I have not had this experience. That makes the choice to leave all the more important. For me and them.
4) You are given the space to solve problems
It can be so hard to see creative solutions when we’re stuck in our routine. Spending some time miles away from home can give us the perspective we need to solve problems. From a distance, we can also see better ways to live our daily lives.
I never left with the intention of solving a particular problem. I also wasn’t about to figure out a way to make a change at home.
But I never manage to get new ideas when I’m away. And I’m always sure that these are the ones I wouldn’t have thought about if I hadn’t left.
I take them home and use them to make all our lives better. The perspective you gain from being away for a while is invaluable.
5) You will appreciate each other more
A little absence may not make you and your family love each other more, but it will help you recognize the love you feel for each other. In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, we can take each other for granted. For me, I can feel how lucky I am when it comes to my love for my husband and children when I can’t be with them. This feeling often lasts for days after I return.
From the hugs and kisses I get from my family when I get home, I feel that they have had a similar experience. It’s harder for us to take each other for granted when we’re apart.
As I rode the train back that Sunday evening, I felt an excitement about returning home. Unlike most Sunday evenings, I felt refreshed. I could look forward to the busy week ahead with gratitude and excitement for what would happen next. I was able to realize how lucky I am to be able to share my life with my family.
What kind of break can you use?
When I’ve taken some time away from my family, I haven’t opted for crazy girls’ weekends in Las Vegas or a weeklong stay at a luxury spa. Not that there’s anything wrong with it.
I’ve just discovered that I prefer a quieter holiday (and so does our budget). One of my favorite escapes is a weekend in a monastery that requires more than twelve hours of silence a day. The beautiful sound of silence. I normally read three books in two days.
Definitely not Vegas.
I’ve also found that 36 hours away seems ideal for me, although I’ve thought about going a day longer. Maybe next time.
Your ideal may look very different. A different length of time or different types of activities may suit you better. If you’ve never tried it, I encourage you to think about what it could be and give it a try.
And if you’ve felt guilty in the past about leaving (or wanting to leave), I hope you can stop. Instead, like me, maybe you can look forward to the next time you go.
