I will never forget June 26, 2015, the day the Supreme Court legalized gay marriage in the United States.
What made it so memorable for me was my utter disbelief that it had actually happened. Yes, I was thrilled when Minnesota became the 15th state to do so two years earlier, and I watched in delight as other states began to fall like dominoes in 2014. Oregon, Colorado, sure, no surprise. But Florida? Oklahoma? Utah, and I repeat, Utah?
At the same time, I couldn’t help but remain pessimistic. I’m a Gen Xer who grew up watching HIV/AIDS kill a huge number of gay men, including Rock Hudson, Freddie Mercury, Robert MapplethorpeAnthony Perkins, Robert Reed, Sylvester and Rudolf Nurievand many others. Randy shitauthor of the book ‘And the Band Played On: Politics, People and the AIDS Epidemic’ died on the one-year anniversary of the day I came out.
Despite the fact that, even after it became common knowledge, it was not a disease that only affected gay men, a large percentage of the population rejected that and said outright that gay men deserved it. Gay men deserved to die, that was the message I grew up with.
Beyond the specter of HIV/AIDS, being openly queer in the ’80s and ’90s was no easy feat, even though conditions were better than for the generation before. Coming out could mean losing your family, your friends, your job and in some places even your freedom.
In the 1990s, a steady wave of celebrities, especially women, began to come out publicly. Out magazine debuted in 1992, ushering in a new era in which gay publications did not have to rely on sexually explicit advertising to survive. And as the title suggests, you can have it delivered to your home just like any other magazine, out in the open and not hidden behind a plain brown envelope. The military’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy, which began in 1994, was actually seen as positive for gay people who wanted to serve, as long as they remained silent while doing so.
But the changes came in fits and starts and did not always proceed in a straight line. Just when it seemed like the public was becoming more accepting of gay people, lawmakers and voters stepped in and said, “Not so fast, you homosexuals.” The majority of people in this country simply allowing gay people to live openly and without fuss seemed like something forever out of reach. The idea of legalizing gay marriage was something I honestly didn’t expect to see in my lifetime.
So when the decision came in 2015, I was really shocked. I was even more surprised when it turned out that the political machine was ready to accept gay marriage, largely because polls showed that most millennials didn’t really care. There was a new generation of voters who were not prepared to reject people based on their sexual orientation.
I’ve been out my entire adult life, but it still took me a while to adjust to what seemed like the new normal. Queer representation in entertainment and media became not only acceptable, but expected. And this wasn’t just happening in the United States, but all over the world. Same-sex marriage is now legal in 37 countries, which is about 20 percent of the world’s population.
Of course, it was inevitable that there would be a backlash, and there has been plenty. The same forces that demonized gay men as diseases that threaten society in my youth have now shifted their focus to the trans community, a group of people who have long been at the bottom of the pecking order in both the straight and queer worlds.
In recent years, as transgender people have become more open and visible, there has been an increase in hateful rhetoric, fueled by people who believe children are being forced into surgery and transition whether they want to or not. “I don’t have a problem with gays, I’m just trying to save the kids,” has become a popular saying. But it’s based on misinformation and the idea that gender-affirming surgery is somehow mandatory or even commonplace. While there are certainly guidelines for transitioning, there is no universal rulebook for what is ultimately a unique journey for everyone undergoing transition. Fear and hatred of transgender people makes no sense.
This weekend marks the end of Pride month. The fact that queer people were publicly beaten nearly a decade after gay marriage was legalized is a reminder that, as I said, change comes in fits and starts. But I also like to remind myself that I am willing and open to being surprised by the ways in which queer people of all stripes are increasingly not just accepted but welcomed.
