We are always left in the dark. The other day we walked into a room, flipped the switch on the wall and… nothing. Tried again. Same result. I checked the circuit breakers, replaced the light bulbs, rewired the house and guess what. It was darker than a black bear shoveling coal at midnight. So the electrician came out, took a look and burst out laughing.
And suggested we take off our blindfolds.
Isn’t that how it always goes? One moment you’re cruising on all cylinders. And the next moment you’re completely out of breath from trying to sneak up the steepest stairs without anyone hearing you, and your boot lands in a big wad of chewing gum that someone left in the middle of the step, so you grab the railing for leverage as you try to pry your foot free, only to realize that your hand is stuck in a new blob of the same sticky, stringy stuff that someone slapped on the railing. What’s actually wrong with people? Even babies in diapers know there’s only one place to put used gum.
A night on the bedpost.
But compared to some of those planning to take up residence in the hallowed halls of Lansing and Washington, DC next year, proper chiclet removal techniques should be the least of your worries. Have you ever looked at some of these goofballs? Not that we’re suggesting they spent more time making the sauce than doing their due diligence, but as The Capitol Steps would have put it, there’s really only one way to describe them.
What a lunch full of drinkers!
While mastering the art of wiping your flurds — something The Steps stole from Rindercella — isn’t one of the rules, there are some that people aspiring for state or federal office should follow if they want to get on the ballot come. Really simple things. Like making sure the signatures they collect aren’t forgeries. And put their address on the nomination requests. So simple that a whole group of them – newbies and experienced alike – somehow managed to screw things up so badly that they got the boot last week. The only saving grace?
There was no chewing gum on it.
Their mistakes were terrible. One candidate for the US Senate apparently thought he lived in a post office box. And half of the signatures three congressional hopefuls collected turned out to be fake or from people who weren’t even registered to vote. Others were DQed because circulators signed and dated the petition sheets before collecting signatures — a big no-no — or because they used incorrect wording or font sizes. Then there was the woman who submitted fewer than the minimum required number of signatures and felt she should still be on the ballot.
Rules, you see, only apply to those stupid enough to follow them.
That’s why more than 70 state officials have now turned their noses at the May 15 deadline for filing their personal financial disclosures. The voters who almost two years ago insisted that this was a condition of their candidacy. Fortunately, the state will not tolerate this insolence and now imposes a fine of $25 per day. Because that will put them back on the right path, right?
Chat fan.
That’s the word from Wolitics for you. But nothing will change until, if they fail to follow the tooth, they end up in such a bubble that they are all fired. And that’s something that even those who never agree — and you can’t turn that around — should agree on it, no matter who they vote for. Bo Jiden.
Or Tronald dump.
Talk Back with Doug Spade and Mike Clement can be heard every Saturday morning from 9:00 AM to 12:00 PM Eastern Time www.localbuzzradio.comFacebookLive and www.dougspade.com.
This article originally appeared in The Daily Telegram: Talk Back: Candidate field filled with heluded dopefuls
