Dealing with listening to your neighbors arguing all the time

I met Mark and Cheryl in the hallway on the third night of living in my new apartment. They were nice and just came back from the gym. I waved at them as they reached their door and walked over to introduce myself.

They were both in their early twenties, attractive and friendly enough. I didn’t think anything of it and hoped that one day we could hang out and become friends.

However, the problems came early. As a young couple, they were still in the party phase, with music and loud conversations filtering through my walls every Friday and Saturday evening without exception, but also during the week. This noise didn’t stop at 10 or 11 p.m. It often lasted well past midnight. I wondered how they had so much energy.

One night I heard loud and collective female laughter cutting through the wall, and someone shouted, “Oh my god! Me, too!”

I’ve struggled with distracting noise long before that and have written about my problems with misophonia (a condition where you’re triggered by small sounds). Fortunately, and strangely, misophonia often does not arise with broader, more ambient sounds that are more all-encompassing. It’s more the squeaky chair in the office, the slurping or tapping of the pencil on the desk that drives you crazy.

After a month of this madness, I finally felt the need to go over and say something to the neighbors. To be honest, I was afraid of it because I don’t like confrontation. But if I waited too long, I knew there was a risk that I would blow them up – which I had done in the past by allowing my frustrations to bottle up.

I knocked on their door and heard a small dog barking. Then I heard someone fiddling with the door lock and heard it slide.

The door opened and Cheryl stood there, half asleep (it was noon at this point). Her expression changed into a friendly smile, “Hey there. What is!”

I said, ‘Hi. I hope all is well… so I’ve been hearing quite a bit of noise from this unit lately. I wanted to come over and talk to you guys instead of just complaining to the building.”

She seemed surprised, “Oh, really? I had no idea. I’m so sorry. Here, come in.”

I just stepped through the door and noticed that the apartment wasn’t nearly as destroyed as I expected. But I did notice that they were collecting empty liquor bottles and displaying them on shelves near the kitchen, as if this were a college dorm.

Mark came out of one of the back bedrooms shuffling like the walking dead, needing a brain because he had none of his own.

“Sup,” he muttered.

We chatted a few times and she seemed genuinely surprised that they were so loud. This part seemed strange to me because it sounded like the entire state of Virginia was in their apartment at one point. But look: I hoped we could get past it and live in peace. I had never been in high-density housing before and had taken a risk to get the apartment.

I left feeling hopeful, but that hope was quickly dashed: it got worse.

What started as just loud partying then turned into persistent, tumultuous fighting between Cheryl and Mark. Something had changed and they couldn’t seem to agree on whether the sky was blue or not. I heard painful details through the wall, as she yelled at him for drinking, and cringe-inducing responses. The highlight of these moments came when he shouted in a full “bro” voice, the corniest line I have ever heard: “Honey. I only had two drinks!”

I had enough. I was frustrated that the apartment owners had not added more soundproofing to the building (they had sold this feature during our walkthrough). I hated that these kids lived next door and didn’t worry about the ruckus they were causing.

I started filing complaints with the building managers and ended up having to call the police twice because of the laughing and, again, arguing later that evening. It always followed the same pattern. They started drinking earlier in the day and when their mood soured from the prolonged partying, they started fighting. This couple was a glowing neon sign for sobriety.

And unfortunately it had real consequences for myself and a number of neighbors.

A study led by Dr. Dirk Schreckenberg examined the link between annoyance from loud neighbors and health problems when living in high-density housing. Researchers found a direct link between this noise and stress and mental health problems.

Another study found that these disorders can lead to significantly higher levels of inflammation in the body and cause more physical pain. This is partly due to increased cortisol levels and decreased sleep, which disrupts the body’s recovery cycle.

My point is: it is no small thing to be angry because the neighbors keep you awake.

Some tips to deal with

First, I would recommend following the approach I initially used with my young neighbors. No, my approach did not ultimately solve the problem, but at first it usually seems to be the better way to go.

I actually learned the strategy from a police officer I had to call to my property years earlier. There was a loudly barking dog that started yapping every morning at 5am. Worse, it was a beagle, a hunting dog whose bark is designed to move across large areas of land. It cut through my walls like a knife through warm butter.

The officer, a middle-aged woman with a Southern accent, said, “Why don’t you write them a letter? It would help smooth things over and preserve relationships.” We had already tried knocking on the door, but no one was home.

I wrote the letter and it went very well. A week later the neighbors knocked on my door and apologized. They even said they appreciated the tone of my letter. I had made it a point to recognize that it can be difficult to hold down a job with an early schedule and care for a dog at the same time. I even offered to help them if they needed it. Eventually the problem stopped.

The point is, do everything you can to prevent a gang war from happening. Address the elephant in the room directly with them, and do so in a friendly and empathetic manner that also reflects the difficulty they may be having. Then stay solution-oriented.

And if that doesn’t work, start escalating the steps you’re taking. The problem is that if you immediately go for the nuclear option with a new neighbor, there won’t be much room to negotiate with them in the future if there are problems you need help with – because you never know what’s coming . upwards.

Finally, I would like to urge you to be alert to actual domestic violence. Don’t hesitate to call the police if you feel like something is wrong and someone is in danger. The most common source of violence and emotional harm comes from romantic partners. Please be vigilant.

The thing to remember

Unless you live in a remote, rural area, you will likely experience noise problems with a neighbor at some point in your life. I recommend that you take a few steps to resolve the issue in a healthy way before throwing the book at them.

A few quick tips: I use a white noise machine at night, which plays a soft gray noise with some base, which helps neutralize deeper sounds. I also sleep with soft earplugs, which evens things out.

Finally, respect that people are allowed to live too. If they are operating within the legal time limits for noise pollution, don’t make it your mission to put an end to it completely. Some people want to have fun, and that fun can sometimes cause noise.

As our population grows and as more people move to cities amid rapid urbanization, we can only expect more problems like the ones I’ve been feeling. As we struggle with these issues, let us all remember the power of kindness and empathy. Long arguments with your neighbor are not fun – or ideal.