Empires fall. Castles fall apart.
If you can’t beat him, banish him.
Joey Chestnut has been dethroned, not because any other mortal could beat him in one of America’s greatest marketing and capitalist enterprises, but because he dared to defy one of America’s greatest marketing and capitalist enterprises by participating in his own American marketing – and capitalist enterprise.
Chestnut, the 16-time champion – including the last eight consecutive – of the Nathan’s Famous International Hot Dog Eating Contest, has been excluded from this year’s competition.
The 40-year-old Californian, who has proven to be more efficient at eating 100% beef hot dogs than any human to ever walk the earth, has an endorsement deal with Impossible Foods, which happens to produce a 0% beef hot dog. .
That was too much for the sensitive souls who sanctioned Nathan’s competition. They are apparently terrified of soy leghemoglobin and cultured celery powder. Brooklyn has gone soft.
The champion is out. The king of kings, the manchild among us, the legend born when he won a fried asparagus championship as an engineering student at San Jose State, has been brought down by bureaucrats, not bloated bellies.
“We are devastated to learn that Joey Chestnut has chosen to represent a rival brand that sells plant-based hot dogs rather than participate in the 2024 Nathan’s Famous Fourth of July Hot Dog Eating Contest,” Major League Eating said in a statement. a statement.
Yes, it’s absurd that there is such a thing as just ‘Major League Eating’, and yet it’s so drunk on self-importance that it explains everything. After all, this is an organization that recognizes a world record in Boysenberry pie consumption (owned, of course, by Chestnut, who devoured a 14.5-pound monster in just eight minutes in 2016).
And yet it has the power to change history.
Babe Ruth at the plate. Michael Jordan in the air. Neil Armstrong on the moon.
Nothing compared to Chestnut watching a plate full of beef in a Coney Island minor league baseball stadium every Independence Day.
Nothing is more American. This is why Paul Revere rode to Lexington, George Washington crossed the Delaware, and Evel Knievel jumped the Snake River. Why do you think Ric Flair, John Wayne and Dale Earnhardt Sr. all made sure they were born here? This is ‘Merica, honey.
However, the man who once ate 47 cheese sandwiches in 10 minutes, 82 carnitas tacos in 8 minutes and 257 Hostess Donettes in 6 minutes, thereby redefining what people can achieve, is no longer welcome at the competition where he was the was in charge.
Chestnut is now free to spend his fourth at his own cooking spot, apparently eating a combination of water, wheat gluten, sunflower oil, coconut oil, natural flavors, salt, methylcellulose, spices, cultured dextrose, yeast extract, and a bunch of other stuff. in a casing and served on a bun.
Perhaps he dips it in water before consuming it. Maybe not. Either way, he’ll have to claim it tastes better than Nathan’s.
In that respect, we are all lesser Americans.
The origins of the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest date back to July 4, 1916, when legend has it that four immigrants decided to see who could eat more hot dogs to settle a debate over who was the most patriotic, as the proper measure is. to condemn such a thing.
They are considered the original ‘Four Horsemen of the Esophagus’.
Sure, the story was about as pure and true as the contents of some hot dogs, but hey, how much integrity did you expect from a hot dog cart next to an amusement park?
No one wants a purity test for what’s in a real hot dog – Nathan claims a “secret seasoning recipe” – but now there’s a corporate purity test for the competitors? Nathan can make money, but Joey can’t? Even the NCAA is shocked.
This is evidence of the hurtful feelings trumping the stomach ache; Big Hot Dog runs scared. If Nathan had any confidence in his product, he wouldn’t be afraid of a plant-based product and its new spokesperson.
It would rise up and accept the challenge, like when Chestnut took on Takeru Kobayashi and proved to be the superior sportsman, making competitive eating Earth’s greatest athletic pursuit – replacing the Olympic decathlon, the WWE Intercontinental Championship and the three-cone NFL Draft Combine. excercise.
Nathan’s can sulk when non-meat dogs come onto the market. It can hide behind Major League Eating – the suits always protect the suits. It can have its chestnut-less contest and try to claim it as legitimate.
None of that will wash away the memories of Joey’s past triumphs, including the epic 76 hot dogs and buns he downed in 2021, surpassing the 1980 Winter Olympics’ “Miracle on Ice” as America’s most exciting sporting moment.
Pass the mustard. Long live the king.
