How your personality is revealed by your choice of words

25 years ago, my eighth-grade football coach walked up and said, “Can I talk to you for a minute?”

We went back to his office and he further explained that he didn’t have a place for me on the team. I was new to football and this was a competitive school, so it shouldn’t have been a surprise. But I was crushed. I was the new kid and football was all the rage and a way to make friends.

At the time and in my own immaturity, I thought he had been cruel and unfair. But decades later, I still think to myself, “Man. Coach Maloney was a good guy.”

Why? Because he was so kind at that moment. He was empathetic and explained his reasoning honestly. The team was already too bloated and having too many players caused problems. I remember him grimacing as he said, “This is the hardest part of my job and I hate doing it.” He encouraged me to come back next year (I did and luckily I made the team).

It wasn’t until I went out into the world, dealt with a few shocks, bad breakups, and some bad owners, that I saw what a jerk is. Actually like.

People often take language for granted and treat it as a back and forth conversation. Yet you can learn a lot about people from the words they choose. It can reveal their motivations, goals, character, mood and more. The big idea is that there are endless ways to say the same thing. How someone says it says a lot about him or her.

Insights from linguistic analyses

A researcher from the University of Colorado, Dr. Tal Yarkoni, isolated the most common words used by bloggers based on their score on the Big 5 personality traits. Friendly people often used the words ‘great’, ‘together’, ‘visiting’, ‘morning’ and ‘spring’. They also used loving emojis and different words for love. Extroverts used ‘bar’, ‘other’, ‘drinks’, ‘restaurant’ and ‘dancing’.

People who scored high on neuroticism often used “terrible,” “lazy,” “worse,” and “depressing.” It reflected their shared cynical outlook.

The direction of someone’s criticism can also reveal a lot. I had a friend who spent half his time berating people who weren’t in the room. He often took cheap, vulgar shots at them without any provocation.

Research shows this is linked to low self-esteem and insecurity – which isn’t surprising, but helpful. The aforementioned man had trouble making friends. He gave people a bad impression and came across as mean and judgmental. Thinking about someone’s choice of words can help you lead with empathy and avoid becoming as cynical as the person in front of you.

What do they want?

Fiction writers and sellers have one important thing in common: we care deeply about people’s motivations.

I am the Prior and learned long ago from a mentor that few things are more important than conveying a character’s motive.

So how do you get the word out? A simple way is dialogue. What is this character asking about? Just bringing up an issue reveals something about a person. Salespeople do the same thing from the other side: they listen. This has helped me immensely in the corporate environment, when I came into contact with so many types of people every day. People generally do not have complex motivations. They generally have one major, overarching concern on their mind, and once you tap into that and read between the lines, you can more easily help them.

Remember: people tend to ask about things that matter to them.

Spotting a liar

Social psychologist James W. Pennebaker analyzed speeches, interviews and papers from thousands of people. Through textual analysis and the benefit of hindsight, he was able to discover correlations between word choice and veracity.

For example, when people tell the truth, they often use singular pronouns such as “I” or “me,” and use negative words such as “except,” “but,” and “but.” They draw lines around what they have and have not done, and do so with confidence. They are consistent, direct and specific.

Liars have difficulty drawing lines and describing nuances. They speak in grand proclamations and when confronted with specific questions they will often flounder. They often take someone else as the subject in their explanation.

This is why when police interrogate suspects, they only ask simple questions. Because they know that people are naturally talented at contradicting themselves – special if you lie.

Are they selfish or selfless?

There’s a woman I’ve spent a lot of time with. I met her 10 years ago because she was dating a friend. I went on holiday with her (as a group). A lot of time was spent between us and something always felt off. She’s a bit cold, which isn’t a dealbreaker since she’s not outright mean.

I tried to ignore it. But this bullying voice inside me kept asking, “What’s this lady’s deal?” Why do I get such strange feelings from her?

And finally I realized what it was: she’s never done that before once asked me a question about my life. Not a single question about the broad spectrum of small talk and real talk. And I asked her so many questions about her life, out of genuine curiosity and interest in getting to know her. There have been so many opportunities for reciprocity. Our conversation felt like I was playing tennis with a ghost. Between this and other behavior, I came to accept that she wasn’t that interested in people other than herself.

I tend to look for selfish people because they can become harmful and toxic, especially in a work environment. Conversely, signs of selflessness and general interest in others are green flags. Commonly motivated people are much more selfless and often make wonderful friends.

A few final thoughts as a reminder

Pay attention to their words and drill a little deeper.

Questions to ask:

• What do their words say about them, their concerns and ambitions?

• Do they listen to what you have to say and ask?

• How do they navigate a difficult conversation? Do they do it with care and empathy, like my football coach did?

• Is what they say mainly positive or negative? It can reveal a cynical or optimistic worldview.

Remember: what someone says is less important than how he or she says it. For example, there are infinite ways to express an apology and explain an obvious mistake. A good, kind person will do it the right way and use the right words.

As a quick final piece of advice: stay kind and empathetic. Everyone has a bad day and can misrepresent themselves. I try not to judge people one-sidedly based on one interaction.

This listening exercise has a funny habit of making people much more interesting than you initially thought. People can be quirky, weird and unpredictable – and I’m all for that.