Some of you may have already done your Christmas shopping, but most of us are normal. If you’re like me, you’ll be thinking the following over the next few weeks: “Oh, I should probably get that person a present.”
Maybe it’s for a friend, neighbor or business partner. If you don’t give them a gift, it can be difficult. It’s better to stay on the generous side. What you get them is of course up to you, but here’s what you should do not wish everyone these holidays.
Don’t feed them. You give someone one giftand don’t come to a potluck. I understand that cookies, candy, and fruit may seem like a thoughtful, delicious idea, but no one wants anything that is perishable.
Instead of food, alcohol would be a great gift. Booze never goes bad, and based on the world we live in today, everyone needs it. It’s not even noon yet, and just thinking about the conversations I’ll have in December makes me want a drink.
Another thing no one wants is clothes. Unless you’re a personal shopper, you are not qualified buy clothes for someone else. I don’t care if there is a gift card. That’s the same as giving someone a message.
Instead of clothes, a great gift would be… alcohol! Now you may be thinking, “But Jim, what if they don’t want alcohol?” That’s fine. Then they give it again. No gift card needed!
Here’s another no: don’t give gift cards. They are unimaginative and lazy. The gift card is simply lost. When the gift card is finally found in five years, it will have expired and will only cause stress and guilt. Instead, a great gift would be…alcohol! The alcohol can be used to numb the pain of losing all those gift cards.
You may think, “But Jim, alcohol is never the solution.” Well, sometimes alcohol comes pretty close!
Finally, don’t give socks to anyone this holiday season. Yes, socks are practical, but extremely impersonal. You may think, “But Jim, socks keep them warm in the winter.” If you really want to keep someone warm this winter, a great gift is…
You thought I was going to say alcohol, didn’t you?
Well, that’s me! Because alcohol can warm your heart during a winter that we all know will be filled with a lot of discomfort.
You might also think, “But Jim, alcohol is poison!” Yes, it is, and like most parents of teenagers, I need some of that venom.
If you’re thinking of getting me a gift this holiday season and are wondering what I would like… to be honest, I would appreciate any gift. Each gift.
As long as it’s alcohol.
For more information:
jimgaffigan.com “Jim Gaffigan: The Skinny” on Hulu
Story produced by Lucie Kirk. Editor: Chad Cardin.
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