BOSTON – Singer/songwriter Janis Ian may have learned the truth at the age of seventeen, but it wasn’t until 1975 that she introduced the rest of the world to that education. That summer, Ian scored her biggest hit: the poignant, heartfelt “At Seventeen,” which encapsulated a teenager’s struggle with loneliness.
“I learned the truth when I was seventeen
That love was meant for beauty queens.
And high school students with clear skin smiles
Who married young and then retired.”
Ian, now 73, tells Boston 25 News that the song was inspired by a New York Times article about a debutante
“She thought a big prom and all these contributions would make her perfect,” Ian recalled. “And she discovered that the more she did what she thought would lead to perfection, the less perfect she felt.”
That search for perfection – and at the same time to belong – is the typical struggle of teenagers. A common byproduct of that search is loneliness — a problem among teens that the federal government says has only gotten worse since “At Seventeen” hit the charts.
“The Surgeon General and others have been monitoring (teenage) loneliness, and it has been steadily increasing from 1976 to the present,” says psychiatrist Eugene Beresin, MD, MA, executive director of the Clay Center for Young Healthy Minds at Massachusetts General Hospital. “So this is not, as many people think, a consequence of the Covid lockdown and the pandemic – although it did cause a huge amount of loneliness.”
Beresin said loneliness is rare in children up to 8 years old, but increases dramatically as children reach adolescence. By the time the high school and college years roll around, 73% of teens and young adults (ages 16 to 24) report significant loneliness, he said — more than twice the share of those over 65 who say they are lonely.
But how can teenagers be lonelier when there are so many more opportunities to connect? Beresin said that for some teens, technology and social media, if used properly, can actually alleviate loneliness. But overall, the digital world is full of possibilities for alienation.
“This fear of missing something, this big drama of checking your phone,” Beresin said. “It
can be used for bullying, for exclusion, for name-calling.”
And then there’s the poignant paradox of technological connection: the enormous disconnect it can create when face-to-face, real human interaction is allowed to replace it.
“Loneliness is the feeling of detachment or isolation from others,” Beresin said. “We humans are pack animals. We are programmed to need relationships. And if we don’t have that opportunity, there is a feeling of emptiness and isolation.”
Teenagers are especially vulnerable to loneliness, he said, because it is, to some extent, a normal part of growing up.
“You separate yourself from your family, you learn autonomy, you learn to be self-sufficient,” Beresin said. “You have to find your own identity. And that is a lonely process.”
And it’s a process that can continue well beyond the teenage years. Ian wrote ‘At Seventeen’ at the age of 23, when the pain of adolescence was still lingering.
“To those of us who knew the pain,
the Valentine’s Day that never came.
And those whose names were never mentioned
When choosing a side for basketball.”
“It was a difficult song to write,” Ian said. “I was still very close to those years. I still felt very much like an ugly duckling. I still felt very left out of everything I wanted to be a part of. It was so close to the bone. Talk about being ugly. Speaking of your face. Speaking of your skin. I’ve never heard a song like that before.”
“And those of us with devastated faces
Lack of social grace
Stayed home in desperation
Lovers make up thoughts on the phone.”
For the first six months after its release, Ian said she sang the song with her eyes closed – so embarrassed by its lyrical rawness – by the loneliness it described.
‘A girl with brown eyes is holding me
Whose name I could never pronounce
Said: Have mercy on those who serve
They only get what they deserve.”
Ian didn’t have social media to get himself through adolescence. But she did get this advice from an older friend: “She said: when you grow up, you can choose your own friends. You will find people like you. And that quote saved me because I stuck to it.”
What can save teenagers today from loneliness?
Beresin said it can be as simple as putting the technology aside every now and then.
“Put down the social media, put down the cell phones, take a walk in the woods,” he said. “Spend time with each other (face-to-face). Those who do are less lonely. Those who do are more engaged. Those who do contribute to society, to their friends, to their communities, to their places of worship. They are happier people and less lonely. So we know a little bit where we need to go.”
But don’t go too far, Beresin said. Too much planning is also not a solution for loneliness.
“Many of the activities that children participate in do not involve attachment,” he said. “It’s about doing things yourself. For example, when they play sports, they try to be the best individual they can be. They don’t necessarily play for the team.”
How can parents, caregivers, teachers and coaches recognize a lonely teenager? It’s not easy, because many of the symptoms, Beresin said, are what you would see — albeit with less intensity — in virtually any teen: depression, anxiety, sleep problems, marked behavior change and, perhaps most obvious, extensive social contacts. insulation.
And teens may be reluctant to admit loneliness, thinking it represents some form of personal deficiency or social failure. But for caregivers, letting go of a lonely teen isn’t the answer.
“You want to ask about their struggles,” Beresin said. “You want to validate their experience. Listen to them.”
And Beresin said it’s important not to confuse solitude with “me time,” something teens often need. Solitude allows for reflection and growth – periods to process the world that teenagers will one day inherit: all its joys, its problems, its many challenges.
Download the FREE Boston 25 News App for the latest news alerts.
Follow Boston 25 News on Facebook and Tweet. | Watch Boston 25 News NOW
