Lyudmila went through “all stages of depression” after her husband, an officer in the Russian army, died in Ukraine in September 2022.
To overcome the grief, she set up a psychological support service to help other military widows cope with their loss.
“It was a huge shock. I didn’t understand what was happening. I felt like the heroine in a very bad movie,” the 32-year-old told AFP in an interview, describing the moment she found out her husband was dead. .
According to Lyudmila, who asked that her surname be withheld, her husband died “a hero… while fulfilling his duty as an officer” during the first year of the Russian offensive against Ukraine.
At the funeral, she said she managed to “remain dignified” – an “unwritten rule” for such occasions, she said.
With the help of a psychologist, she dealt with the initial pain.
First came denial, then anger, she said.
“You throw things on the floor, you destroy everything, because the pain is tearing you apart inside,” she said. “You have to physically feel that you are still alive, because inside you are almost dead.”
– ‘Stay alive’ –
It was at this point that she discovered “Widow to Widow”, a book by American therapist Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, and decided to help other women who had lost their husbands during the conflict.
She took courses to become a psychologist and, with the help of a veterans association, launched a service that provides free help to widows, provided by volunteer psychologists.
“Our goal is to make help available to everyone, not just those who can afford a psychologist,” Lyudmila said.
She said her mission was “to show women that life goes on, you have to live it”.
“We were born, we will die one day. That is the key to accepting loss,” she said.
Although she now tries to distance herself from the news of the Russian offensive, her husband’s death has not changed her attitude towards the conflict.
“First and foremost, I am my husband’s wife, an officer’s wife,” she said.
After working 24/7 for the service she created, fatigue recently forced her to take a break.
One of her former clients is Anna, a 31-year-old singing teacher, who lost her husband last July.
“I turned to a psychologist because it was so difficult and unbearable,” she said. “Support from family and friends was not enough.”
– ‘Share the pain’ –
“During the sessions we analyze all my accumulated pain, which helps me calm down. I find the strength to continue living,” said Anna, who also declined to give her surname.
Anna is also part of a small chat group on the messaging service Telegram for other widows.
“We support each other and share our pain. No one can understand your pain better than someone going through the same thing,” she said. “It’s like group therapy.”
“Women write to me when their husbands are injured, missing or killed, when they are waiting for the repatriation of the bodies. I try to help them, give them advice or make the necessary contacts.”
Unlike Lyudmila, however, Anna is closely interested in developments at the front.
“I read the news. I don’t want to ignore it, but today I see it in a different light,” she said, without elaborating.
In addition to therapy, Anna says she finds peace in her work – giving music lessons to children – and through religion.
“Children are like angels, they are a source of goodness and positive emotions,” she said.
Lyudmila compared Anna and her other clients to a mythical phoenix who helps “rise from the ashes” of despair.
“I help them be reborn as beautiful birds, and then they fly towards a good, dignified and normal life,” she said.
boron/js
