Perhaps you have followed a similar journey to mine. You go to college, get your degree, start your career – and pursue that career in whatever city you go to. This inevitably brought me to Tampa, Florida, where I lived several states away from my parents. This pattern is quite common among career-oriented people, especially in the United States. But it has its own consequences.
My partner’s family lives in Albany. She had to leave for her niche academic job (Bronze Age archaeology). All of my best friends live hundreds and sometimes thousands of miles from their parents and extended family.
Whether someone stays close to their family is often determined by socio-economic factors. If you come from a poorer background you are much more likely to live close to family as it is common to pool resources. For example, if your car breaks down, it can help tremendously if you can take a ride or borrow a car, especially if you can’t afford to repair the car or rent another one. The same applies if you lose your job. It becomes much easier to survive the period of unemployment if immediate relatives are nearby.
Race also plays a role in family distance. One study found that the average distance between white adults and their mothers is 15 miles, but for black adults it is only three miles. This is also influenced by the above-mentioned socio-economic factors, which play a role in racial income disparities.
We are less likely to live further from family in the US than in Britain, due to increased support for single mothers and for the poor.
But as you move up in education (and income), the chances of you living near your family decrease quite quickly. A high school diploma means you have a 63% chance of living near extended family. A bachelor’s degree equates to a 48% chance, and a postgraduate degree translates to 42%.
Is it ideal for Americans to live so far from their families?
There’s definitely a feeling that I missed something. I’m in a group message with my parents and sister (who lives just a few miles away from my parents). I often see them sending photos from the area back and forth. Sometimes there is a message that I have forgotten something at their house or that I am meeting for a wine tasting (my parents run a vineyard).
Part of me aches and knows I miss being part of their storyline. But for me it was important to create my own story, go out into the world and be independent.
I’m also fortunate that my family and I don’t have a toxic relationship like so many people do. I don’t need a difficult conversation about boundaries, a parent dropping by unannounced during the day, or arguing about the constant pressure to visit. The separation between us is purely career-related.
But in our case, it puts more pressure (in a good way) to make the most of our time together. Trips to other places, such as New York City, become opportune moments to celebrate and take photos.
I write this as someone who gets along best with his family, and this dynamic can become infinitely complicated – especially in the immediate environment. In his novel Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy wrote: ‘Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”
It led to the Anna Karenina principle and points out that for a family to be happy, a few things must be right: financial security, mutual affection and good health for all members. But when a family is unhappy, a long list of factors could be to blame. And when they are close, those problems are brought to attention. Which could then cause more people to live further away.
There is no one right answer for anyone when it comes to living near family. But know the forces at work and how they affect you. Because the consequences can be real and substantial.
In my research for my book publisher, I found that many of you (average readers) are quite educated and have advanced degrees and incomes. That makes it very likely that many of you live far from family. I would encourage you to find ways to reconnect with them when you have time, whether it be through a phone call or some other means.
The likelihood of loneliness increases when you don’t interact with people, especially your family. Healthy family relationships are like a powerful antidote to loneliness. When you become too lonely, your risk of illness and depression increases significantly.
A final warning about division within the family
In almost all cases I know of someone living far from family, there is heartburn and problems that need to be crushed. My partner feels constantly pressured to visit her family. The pressure is of course always out of love and never leads to a shouting match. But it does create the communal tension that comes from a child being ambitious and being flung off to a distant city.
My best friend’s mother is constantly angry at him for not visiting their grandchildren every month, but that’s not feasible. It’s a 6 hour drive and both he and his wife are in deep trouble with work and school. Even further away, he lives further away because his mother continues to try to indoctrinate their children into Christianity, and he wants his children to be 18 before making any religious decisions.
The point is not that we need to spend time with and live closer to family, regardless of the circumstances. Because those circumstances can be infinitely varied and I sympathize with that.
Just be aware of the economic forces that are pulling us. They determine where and how far we live from family. Today, extra steps are needed to keep families well connected.
My parents also lived far away from their parents during my father’s military career, so perhaps I will continue that tradition. We combated this by doing our best to drive and visit grandparents at every opportunity. There weren’t many ski holidays growing up, but every Christmas and summer I was with my grandparents, and that helped keep the family together. The other way to do Zoom calls on a recurring basis. My partner does one every two weeks – and they came to this system because they weren’t communicating enough with each other before.
Because I work remotely as a writer, and not for one employer, I can do my work anywhere. That’s why I take at least six different week-long trips every year to see my family. And it was a blessing and made me feel more connected to my family.
No matter how far your career takes you, don’t forget where you came from, and that there are usually people who don’t mind hearing from you. Upward mobility has a natural pull away from the family.
It’s easier than ever to be lonely these days, but that doesn’t mean it has to be that way.
I’m a former financial analyst turned writer from Tampa, Florida. I write story-driven content to help us live better and maximize our potential.
