In the spirit of reality TV, first a confession: I was confident that I would be the new Golden bachelor party series on ABC. After watching The Golden Bacheloroverwhelmed by the embarrassment factor — lame jokes about sexual prowess and an abundance of boobs, not to mention (but I will) the unctuous sincerity of the Golden Bachelor — I figured it would all be the same, but with gender roles reversed.
I was wrong. And I think much of the difference between the shows comes from the kindness and remarkable authenticity of Joan Vassos, the 61-year-old Bachelorette. From the moment she’s greeted at the Bachelor mansion by Jesse Palmer (the thousand-toothed host), she carries the show’s burden with apparent ease, all the while wearing a tight lamé dress. She’s like the school principal—which, in fact, she is—who can let you know your kid is going to be suspended in a way that makes you feel like the best.
A little background before we begin. Vassos, a widower after 32 years of marriage, was a participant in the Golden Bachelor but left the show mid-season to help her daughter (one of her four children) who was suffering from a difficult pregnancy and delivery. When she got a callback about taking her own turn as The Golden Bachelorette, she didn’t seem to consider not accepting the … journey. In the premiere, she meets 24 eligible bachelors ranging in age from 57 to 69, and must split the group in two.
About those 24 eligible bachelors. I don’t know where the show’s producers got these guys from, but as one of the 24 remarks with a touch of smugness, “There’s no shortage of studs in the stable to choose from.”
I’d say he’s right, which brings me to the surreality of this reality TV journey. Ask a woman of, say, 50 (I’m 73) what her experience in the dating world is like, and you’ll get an answer similar to what one woman recently told the New York Times: “It’s exhausting. … It’s like panning for gold in a sewer.”
I think it helps when producers do the panning for you, because these suitors all seem pretty (middle-aged in various ways), nice, family-oriented, relatively well-off, and generous, especially with their assessment of Vassos. She’s pretty, nice, and clearly sophisticated about her emotional life — as are most women I know. But the suitors talk about her like she’s the second coming of Christ. This was the only thing that sounded canned to me, because the beautiful Vassos is not unusual; it is the men who seem unusual by expressing their appreciation for her so often and so forcefully.
One of the reasons this series is much less painful is because sex, at least so far, isn’t at the top of the agenda.
The women vying for Gerry Turner’s attention on The Golden Bachelor were either prompted to emphasize their sexuality or naturally fell back on it as a point of seduction. This is no surprise, since traditionally women’s physical attractiveness, intimately linked to our sexuality and reproductive power, is often our currency. For men, however, their currency has traditionally been their ability to provide a safe, comfortable environment. The shift away from overt sexuality is evident in Vassos’ dress—tight and shiny, but not revealing—and in the men’s largely formal shirts and ties. And, as if in a nod to tradition, Vassos chooses to give the first impression rose to Keith, who, at 6’5” and teddy bear-like, makes her feel safe.
Vassos’s kindness doesn’t go unnoticed: a Josh Brolin doppelganger steps out of the limo and sings “I Did It My Way,” singing loudly and slightly off-key; another approaches Vassos with a few shots of prune juice (to make it all seem normal); a third crawls out of the limo with a cane, drops him, and collapses to the floor, where he begins doing one-arm push-ups.
She somehow manages to maintain her dignity. Even in a chaotic pickleball scene, with balls flying everywhere (an apt and enjoyable metaphor), she bravely swats and dives in her dress, almost gets punched in the face, and still seems to be having fun. I wish I could see outtakes.
In the final scene, where Vassos delivers the news of who’s staying and who’s going home, the men are lined up in a funeral row, as if awaiting execution. It’s easy to see why Vassos is nervous and upset by her charges: some of these boys have shown their eagerness to please and compete like schoolboys, with a kind of innocence and vulnerability rarely seen in men in general.
In the premiere episode alone, they cried as they watched a video of their children (and a mother) professing their love and wishing them happiness, they admitted their loneliness and innocently expressed their dreams of a happy companionship. I already have a soft spot for one of them — Jordan, the boy who would have been my best friend in high school — and it will be fun to see how Vassos makes her choice, and why.
The Golden Bachelorette airs Wednesdays at 8:00 p.m. on ABC.
Valerie Monroe is the former beauty director at O, The Oprah Magazine and currently writes the Substack newsletter How Not to Ruin Your Face.
