While the divorce rate may be declining in the US, a new trend is emerging in the way people approach long-term relationships: a phenomenon known as gray divorce.
There is no formal definition of “gray divorce,” but it tends to refer to couples who have separated after decades, usually in their 50s or later.
According to the American Psychological Association, the divorce rate among people in their 50s and older doubled between 1990 and 2010. In 2019, more than a third of divorces in the US – 36% – occurred among people over 50, compared to 8.7% in 1990.
Some high-profile, recent gray divorces include Bill and Melinda Gates, Jeff Bezos and Mackenzie Scott.
Divorce is always a challenge, but gray divorce brings a unique set of considerations, according to the APA, including finances that have been merged for years, loneliness resulting from a marriage-centered social life, and the impact on adult children.
“The hardest part was the feeling of ‘failure in a marriage’ and separating from a shared life of more than 30 years,” Katie M., 61, who divorced after 34 years of marriage and did not want to share her last name, tells TODAY. com. “What made it easier was that my children were grown, we were in a better place financially, and my life experiences made me stronger to handle it all. And of course lifelong friends who were there to provide emotional support.”
No two marriages or circumstances are the same, and every divorce requires a unique set of compromises, but if you’re a parent and are considering leaving your spouse, here are a few things divorce lawyers, family therapists, and those who have been there encourage you to consider.
1. There are questions you need to ask yourself before you go.
“Divorce depends on the situation, but in general, self-reflection and being very, very clear about why you’re doing this, and not coming from a reactionary point of view, is critical,” says Meredith Shirey, a licensed psychotherapist and co-host of the podcast “Love me or Leave Me,” tells TODAY.com. “Because if you have children and have been together for a long time and lead a very confused life, it doesn’t just affect you.”
Shirey suggests that you ask yourself a few important questions before moving forward with a formal separation or divorce:
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What do I hope will happen? In other words: what is the best case scenario?
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What is the worst case scenario?
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What do I get when I leave?
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What do I lose if I leave?
Of course, there are also financial questions to consider, such as how you can support yourself and whether you are the breadwinner, whether you are willing and able to pay spousal support and lose part of your pension.
But before thinking about money, Shirey recommends that people take stock of their personal feelings, goals and expectations for both married and single life.
“It’s about doing that personal assessment because at the end of the day you can’t live your life for other people,” she says. “So it’s really all about taking a personal inventory and a cost-benefit analysis of what’s going to happen for you, why it’s coming up now, who will this affect and how will it affect them?”
2. It may be easier to make a clean fraction.
Mary Katherine Brown, an attorney who has practiced family and marital law in New York City for more than two decades, says a number of factors can make divorce easier later in life. From the children’s ages to the finances and the work they’ve already done to get through previous rough patches, it can be easier to make a clean break.
“Divorce can be easier later in life than when you’re in the middle of it and have young children,” Brown explains. “Your parents may be more judgmental, your children may be more judgmental, and in many ways you’re just stuck in your 30s or 40s. But by the time you’re in your late 50s, 60s or older, you don’t have to apologize to anyone for your decisions, and most people can accept that. So I would say that’s a big plus.”
Katy Leopard, 53, who divorced after 22 years of marriage, decided to stay in her marriage until her children were older and struggled to break the social stigma of divorce. But when she made the switch, she realized that her age and life experiences helped her follow through with her decision.
“My children were older and in school full-time, so I was able to go back to work full-time,” she says. “And as an older woman, I knew so much more about what I wanted from a partner, and it wasn’t at all what I valued as a young person. Women at this age know what to worry about and what doesn’t really matter.
3. It may even be harder for your kids.
Although parents are often encouraged to “stay together for the kids,” Shirey says that separating after the kids leave home can actually be more difficult from the children’s perspective.
“Divorce when your children are younger can be more difficult in the immediate environment because you are very wrapped up in your feelings and the children’s feelings and everything that affects both,” she says. “At the same time, because you’re so present, you’re probably paying a little more attention to what’s going on and the well-being of your children. So the separation may be easier for the parents if they do it after the children have left the nest, and it may even be more difficult for the children.
Shirey encourages parents who are divorcing later in life not to automatically assume that their children will make it through just because they are adults. Instead, she encourages parents to make themselves available, be willing to have difficult conversations, and be open with their children.
“Be honest, but also remember that they are your children and you almost have to emulate those earlier stages of parenthood,” Shirey explains. “Keep in mind that you are not going to disparage the other parent in front of your children. And honestly, the best way parents can prepare their children is to be prepared themselves.”
Shirey also said it’s typical for older children to question their childhood in the aftermath of a divorce that happens later in life. “It will probably be a moment of crisis,” she says. “What was your whole marriage like? Was my childhood a lie? Were you faking? Are my memories real? So parents really need to be aware that this thinking can happen, and be willing and able to answer questions and have hard conversations.”
4. Financially and socially, things can be trickier.
Finances and the division of marital assets can become more difficult the longer you’re together, says Brown.
“For wealthy people, it’s not about the money; there is plenty of money available,” she explains. “In that case, the issues that may be more up for debate will likely be control over the things they built together. Who will continue that? Who will manage the inheritance?”
For less wealthy people, however, finances are exponentially more difficult to parse after more than fifteen years of marriage, especially when one person handles the finances or only one person works outside the home.
“The ability to support yourself when you’ve been dependent on your spouse for most of the marriage, that’s the biggest problem,” Elliot Green, a family law attorney working in New York City, tells TODAY.com.
For example, when someone has relied on their partner’s management of their finances for twenty years or more, a gap can arise between how much something costs, for example, or how much money is actually available to them once they are divorced and responsible for the handling. their own finances.
“That’s the kind of thing people in long-term marriages get into: This one is in charge of this and this one is in charge of that,” says Brown. “If you look at a company, you wouldn’t expect the IT department to know anything about marketing, and vice versa, would you? And why would you? They have a job to do and they all work together to get the job done. And that is what a marriage is: an economic partnership.”
5. Mediation is a good option.
“The advantage (of mediation) is that you are in court, but you can see a trained mediator who can help you with issues that are sticking points: child support, spousal support, a division of assets. They are trained and employed by the court,” Green said.
Green emphasizes that if there are allegations of domestic violence or restraining orders, mediation is not an option because of the balance of power in the relationship that would put one party at a disadvantage over the other. But in most cases it is a useful tool that can help you solve problems faster. As Green says, “The longer you fight, the more the lawyers make and the less you keep for yourself.”
6. Despite social judgment and shame, divorce is normal.
While divorce has certainly become more common over the years and relatively accepted by the general public, it still carries a significant amount of shame, stigma, and judgment, especially in certain religions. But Shirey encourages everyone, whether they’re considering divorce or not, to remember the realities of romantic relationships.
“Life is short, and when we created marriage, relationships and monogamy, we didn’t necessarily expect to spend 60 or 70 years with someone,” she says. “It’s normal for love to go through phases, and it’s also normal for love to leave a relationship. It’s about not judging yourself or others, but deciding what makes sense for you at the moment. No one has a crystal ball and we make the best decisions we can based on the information we have at the time.”
This article was originally published on TODAY.com
