Passive-aggressive behavior is common in everyday interactions with our friends, romantic partners, family members, and coworkers. But because it can be insidious, you may not always recognize when it’s happening to you – or when you’re to blame.
What exactly does “passive-aggressive” mean? It’s when you express negative emotions, like anger or hostility, in an indirect (or passive) way, explains Los Angeles clinical psychologist Ryan Howes — “especially in a way that’s easy to deny or not directly related to the aggressor .”
He gave an example: Suppose you are frustrated with a loved one. Instead of telling them how you feel, you simply “forget” to pick them up from the train station that day.
“This is easy to dismiss as a simple brain fart, but deep down you know you didn’t pick them up because you wanted revenge for everything they did to make you angry,” Howes explained. “It is classified as a defense mechanism because you are defending yourself against the potential hurt if you express your pain or anger directly and harvest their response, which can hurt.”
When you’re passive-aggressive, you try to convey your feelings about something without Actually Say what you want to say, Toronto relationship expert and sexologist Jess O’Reilly told HuffPost.
“It can be confusing, annoying and damaging to relationships,” says O’Reilly, founder of Happier Couples Inc. “And you’re less likely to get what you want if you’re unclear at all.”
Although we all engage in passive-aggressive behavior from time to time, this type of communication is often more common among people who are avoidant and conflict-averse, as well as those who lack self-esteem.
It can be confusing, annoying and damaging to relationships.Jess O’Reilly, relationship expert and sexologist
You may be communicating this way because you find it too difficult or uncomfortable to express yourself directly, clinical social worker Miya Yung told HuffPost.
“Being passive-aggressive often involves a desire to avoid face-to-face conflict, and not really be honest about what [someone is] thinking or making subtle comments that seem innocent, yet have an underlying negative impact on the recipient,” says Yung, who works at The Connective, a therapy and wellness practice in Northern California.
Passive-aggressive behavior can come in many forms, from giving the silent treatment to pouting to putting off a task you’ve agreed to. But here we will focus on the verbal manifestations. We asked relationship experts to identify some of the most common passive-aggressive phrases. Here’s what to look out for – and what to say instead.
1. “Good for you.”
While this statement can be used to express genuine happiness for someone else’s success, it is often used passive-aggressively, Howes said.
“There can be envy or resentment lurking beneath the surface, and that is sometimes a statement about the unfairness of a situation,” he said.
Such as: “We both worked hard on the same projects, but you got a raise. Good for you.”
“It’s possible to be both happy for one person and angry about your own misfortune,” Howes said, “so try to congratulate the other person sincerely and then say, ‘I’d also like to be where you are. are. Can you help me come up with a strategy to get there?’”
2. “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
This may initially sound like a sincere apology because it uses the words “I’m sorry.” But when you add the words “this is how you feel,” it becomes a passive-aggressive way of blaming the other person’s feelings instead of taking responsibility for the pain you’ve caused.
“You say, ‘I stand by what I said and I’m sorry you reacted to it that way, but that’s your problem,’” New York clinical psychologist Melissa Robinson-Brown, who calls “Dr. Mel,” HuffPost shared. “Instead, take responsibility for the words you spoke. While the intention may not have been to cause harm, the impact of those words did cause harm. You might say, “I’m sorry I hurt you.” Or, “I apologize if what I said hurt you.”
3. “It’s fine.”
Another common passive-aggressive move: claiming that “everything is fine” when you’re actually angry about something.
“You may hope that someone will take action to address the fact that you are not doing well, but you refuse to ask for support or attention,” O’Reilly said. “Maybe you test them to see if they hold up. Maybe you’re trying to shut down the conversation.’
The more effective way to express yourself is to – surprise, surprise – tell the other person how you are doing Actually feeling.
“Are you feeling overwhelmed, undervalued, unsafe, sad, scared, hopeless, jealous, rejected, or something else?” said O’Reilly. “How can they know how you feel if you refuse to acknowledge or share your own feelings? If you are unsure of your feelings and needs, you cannot expect others to decode with any degree of accuracy. The solution: say what you mean.”
4. “Whatever.”
According to Howes, this comment usually comes up after you’ve tried unsuccessfully to explain your position a few times. Then you accept that you are not understood and say ‘whatever’.
“It could be a situation like, ‘I told you I don’t like reality shows, but you insist on watching them all the time.’ What he said.
“It may take a little more work to get to the root of the problem [saying], ‘Hey, it seems like we don’t really hear each other. Let’s talk about what you like about reality TV, and I’ll tell you what I don’t like, and maybe we can find a compromise.” ‘Anything’ is too quick to throw in the towel and blame the other person for it.’
5. “If you say so.”
As Robinson-Brown explained, this statement is dismissive and implies that the person’s opinion or perspective cannot be trusted.
“You’re also communicating that you don’t want to continue the conversation and even if that person does continue, you don’t really have any interest or investment in what’s being said,” she said.
“Instead, be open-minded and remember that other opinions and thoughts are just as valuable as yours. Try: “Thank you for sharing your perspective with me. I understand why you would say that. Would you also be open to me sharing my perspective?’ Or, ‘I’m not sure I understand what you’re saying, can you please clarify what you mean?’”
6. “You’re just too sensitive.”
Telling someone they’re “too sensitive” discounts the other person’s hurt feelings and subtly shifts the blame to them for having an emotional reaction to something you did, Howes explained .
“It’s like saying, ‘Why are you so weak that you can’t handle the pain I just put you through?’ There are several problems with a statement like this, but a healthier approach would be to acknowledge the pain and try to understand it. Something like: ‘I see that I hurt you, and I am very sorry. I’d like to understand how much I hurt you so I don’t do it again. Can you tell me what upset you?’”
How to communicate more directly
The next time you find yourself saying one of these passive-aggressive phrases, pause, take a deep breath and try a different approach, O’Reilly said. She suggests something like, “I’m struggling with X,” or “I feel Y,” or “I’m afraid of Z,” or even just, “I’m not sure what to say, but…”
“Being straightforward can be scary,” she says. “But it’s more likely to lead to meaningful, albeit uncomfortable, conversations.”
Ultimately, this is a matter of how authentically you want to show up in your life, Howes said.
“If you want to play nice and not make a mess, being passive-aggressive is a way to express a little anger while hiding behind the facade of the nice person who offers everyone a superficial friendship,” he said.
“But if you want to be authentic, get dirty sometimes, and have the deeper connection you’ve earned through some tough conversations, challenge yourself to talk about what makes you angry, how you’ve felt slighted, and work on recovery and an authentic connection. ”
It can be difficult to approach situations head-on, especially if you’re not used to behaving that way. But know that “most people will tolerate discomfort when called out and will respect you for being direct and assertive,” Howes said.
