Three episodes into Bachelorette Jenn Tran’s search for a “wild love,” the tension between her male suitors has noticeably increased.
On the July 15 episode, Devin Strader was criticized by two fellow contestants who accused him of monopolizing Tran’s time in group settings. Aaron Erb confronted Strader about his “childish” antics, insisting that he “lacked the depth to be with a girl like Jenn.” Strader responded with lines like, “That’s your lens” and “I’m not judging you.” Erb responded by giving him a book on emotional intelligence.
“I brought this with me. It’s my own book,” Erb told Strader. “It’s helped me grow as a person. I want you to win. … I’m giving you a different perspective.”
Later that night, Thomas Nguyen pulled Strader aside and reprimanded him for first stealing Tran, this time during the cocktail party. Strader accused Nguyen of “objectifying Jenn” and then claimed that he “is not here looking for validation from this group.”
In between criticizing each other for their lack of emotional intelligence or using phrases like “manifesting is delusional” and “Be careful how you treat yourself” to prove their points, one detail stands out: These men are big fans of “therapy speak.”
What is ‘therapy language’?
Therapy language is recognized as the informal use of words or phrases that are often said by mental health professionals during a session with a client. For example, buzzwords like “trauma” or “gaslighting” are now regularly used by people in everyday conversations.
According to Kalie Pham, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, the normalization of therapy language is linked to the increase in mental health content on social media.
“Social media has played a significant role in this shift by making psychological concepts, self-care practices, and discussions about mental health more accessible and widespread,” she told Yahoo Entertainment. “There is a growing acceptance and encouragement of emotional expression among men in particular, which may explain why the use of these phrases is now more visible among men compared to traditional expectations of emotional suppression and the ‘tough guy’ mentality.”
In a reality TV environment, the use of therapeutic language can also be manipulated for personal gain.
“It seems like therapy talk becomes another way for these suitors to prove their masculinity — and to ‘win’ the game and the girl,” Grace Kang, an associate professor of American studies at the University of Davis in California, told Yahoo Entertainment. “Knowing how to use this capital becomes just another way to gain an edge in these men’s performance.”
Kang explained that emotional intelligence can influence a potential partner’s willingness to invest time and effort in getting to know someone romantically.
“Jenn uses a lot of therapy language to talk about the toxicity of her own past relationships, and it really sets up a narrative that she needs a man who, like her, has done the ‘work’ to understand who he is and is ready for a ‘real’ relationship,” she said. “For these men, being emotionally intelligent becomes an easily available cultural script to signal that they’ve done the ‘work’ too and are ready to meet Jenn where she is.”
In The Bachelorette universe, there seems to be a supposed correlation between therapy language and masculinity. Whether a participant can be considered a “man” versus a “boy” — or someone who is not yet ready to commit to Tran — depends on his use of therapy language and level of emotional intelligence, at least in the eyes of his competitors.
“We can imagine a reality where therapy language is stigmatized, but that doesn’t seem to be happening here,” Marissa Fond, an assistant professor in Georgetown University’s linguistics department, told Yahoo Entertainment. “These men are competing to win a dating show, and showing fluency with these terms seems like a way to get the message across: ‘I’m a good guy, I’m a valuable partner.’”
Considering that this is reality TV and not everything viewers see is completely authentic, it’s difficult to determine how much of Erb’s interaction with Strader is staged. Pham told Yahoo that Erb’s reason for giving Strader the self-help book seems disingenuous.
“While this may seem supportive and insightful at first glance, it can also be manipulative by subtly asserting superiority, passing judgment, potentially undermining Devin’s autonomy or self-confidence, and ending in subtle threat,” she told Yahoo. “In the case of this game-like environment, participants may strategically use therapeutic language to undermine or discredit their competitors by portraying them as emotionally immature or lacking in self-awareness.”
The ‘medicalization’ of language
From a linguistic point of view, the rise of the use of therapy language is The Bachelorette can be attributed to what is known as medicalization.
“[Medicalization] is a social process in which a problem or experience is defined as a medical problem and is treated as such,” Fond said. “There are many ways that we medicalize, and one way is through language — specifically labeling or naming.”
Fond explained that being able to use therapeutic language to medicalize yourself or someone else can be seen as prestigious and authoritative.
“When something is medicalized, it can feel more ‘real’ or serious, especially in societies where the authority and expertise of the medical field carries a lot of prestige,” she continued. “I think a lot of therapy talk can be explained this way. When I label someone’s actions (or my own) with therapy talk, I am borrowing the seriousness and definitiveness of medical diagnosis for my claim.”
But using mental health phrases to claim superiority can only get a candidate so far. Alyse Rose, a Los Angeles-based therapist and clinical social worker, said it seems like the men others accuse of being immature and “not here for the right reasons” are actually not emotionally intelligent.
“When you see these men on the show, they don’t embody emotional intelligence at all,” Rose said. “It’s clear that their egos and their insecurities and their competition are at play, rather than focusing on connecting with Jenn and letting her make her own decisions.”
At the end of the July 22 episode, Tran confronts the remaining men after her final conversation with Erb. Before Erb leaves the show for personal reasons, he insinuates that some of the contestants aren’t really interested in building a relationship with her.
“I want you to sit here and really think about this, because this is my life,” she said. “I’ve made bad decisions in the past and I’m not going to do that again. If you don’t think this is where you’re supposed to be, then you need to get out of here.”
